HOW it is for me

I see recovery as a beautiful epic poem. A poetic life. Being present to the cadence and rhythm of life in all its verses being present AND being alive in all its verses. I came to see recovery as poetic because recovery has, thus far, had many verses. Today, I want to write briefly on the most important one. The verse before I became aware of the poem – before I became aware that I and my recovery were a poem.

Just like a great poem, this verse brought me to my knees. Is it the heroine’s journey? Perhaps. Probably. That is how some may describe it. But I just call it the poetry of recovery AND it just call it my new life.

I fell head first into recovery because one day I fully realized I was going to die (first on a soul level and then quickly after, on a physical level and likely by my own hands, one way or another). My binging had become a twice daily event. Once at lunch and then the whole evening starting with dinner and continuing until I passed out from the sheer volume of food and the blood sugar crash. I was also about to lose the only romantic relationship I had had in decades because he could tell how dead and angry I was inside.

I weighed 297 lbs at 5’9 and 37 years old.

So I supposed I was blessed, on that day, with the miracle of what we call “the spiritual experience.” On that day when I became aware I was going to die very soon, never having ever experienced the things that I have most longed for in my life (a loving husband, children, a happy satisfying romantic life), I became aware, just as intensely and passionately, that I didn’t want that. I so desperately didn’t want to die or not fall in love, raise children and bring myself and my heart to the world.

My higher power asked me right then if I was willing to give up my addiction, my disease, and my closed heart. Thankfully I said yes. My higher power gave me my last chance.

As soon as I could, I went to a meeting. The meeting I attended was a HOW meeting. I credit HOW and the structure within it, in particular, for my recovery. I have been abstinent since that moment and I am so aware that, for me, the alternative is death. You can’t not remember being present to the grace and mercy of being granted your life back – it’s just not possible. And with that remembrance – the verse before the verses finished and the poem as it is written (and being written in all moments) began.

Some of my favourite verses include:

~Realizing that I have a body now (I have released 130 lbs or so) that wants to and can dance, to run, to play and to be dressed beautifully. A body that is treated like the beautiful spirit-blessed temple it is.

~Living with the unconditional love, support and guidance from the beautiful divinity that is my higher power. My higher power ardently wants me to be in joy and now assists me in that all ways.

~Feeling the serenity of knowing that I no longer need to be perfect or to hide my mistakes.

~Seeing the relief and love on my loved ones faces as I deal with the things I need to address in my life, as soberly, gracefully and lovingly as possible. And the forgiveness and compassion from those beautiful souls for the wrongs I did to them in my disease.

~And, receiving the gorgeous guidance and wisdom from woman who I am blessed to call my sponsor. Her guidance, love and being inspire me.

So, what is the next verse ?
the poem never ends anymore
not until I do
and the verses always change
and never do
I am a recovering compulsive overeater
And life poet.

With love and light….Elana

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