I’ve been in OA twice. The first time was for seven years, 20 years ago, with successful food abstinence. I made it back eight months ago, and I am struggling. This time around, I see how much more deeply I am working the Twelve Steps. I went to many meetings 20 years ago, sponsored people and was thin, but I did not work the program like I am working it this time. We live in a small town and are lucky to have three to four people at our meeting regularly; but we are there, and we work those amazing Steps! I have experienced abstinence off and on, but it sure does seem like I am learning much more about myself in the process this time. It is painful and scary, and those emotions will send me to food in a heartbeat. But I am learning to call my sponsor, to write and to turn things over (sometimes each moment) to my Higher Power. I didn’t take these actions much in my first seven years.
Recently, my sponsor asked me to write down what I wanted food to be in my life. I procrastinated about this for a while, but Higher Power sat down with me this morning, and I want to share what came.
I want to be grateful for my food, not obsessed with it. I want to eat to nourish my body and only when I am hungry—not to stuff down, run from and avoid my feelings. I want to enjoy food, not feel angry because I can’t eat more or eat when I want and feel deprived. I want to know my food is a blessing and not feel guilty because I ate too much. I do not want to use food as a weapon to abuse my body, mind and spirit. I want eating to be a choice, not something I reach for when I “need a fix.” I want to be able to eat normally, wherever I am and whatever I’m doing. I don’t want to be afraid of food or feel victimized by my addiction to it. I want to give my relationship with food over to my Higher Power daily and let him show me, through the Twelve Steps and OA, how to listen and hear how to eat in a sane, healthy manner. I want to appreciate the food I am given, my support system, Higher Power, my friends in OA and anyone else I can talk with to help me get a clearer relationship with food.
Lifeline Nov. 2009